Yesterday I received the news that my grandmother has terminal cancer. She hasn't seen an oncologist yet, so we are not sure how long she has left. My guess would be a few months, maybe a year? She has been in the hospital for a couple of weeks now because she couldn't keep any food down and was having stomach pain. They found some tumors in her colon, removed them, and did a biopsy, which showed them to be cancerous. Afterwards, they tested her lymph nodes and found that the cancer had spread to them. Apparently, there is no surgical option at this point. I don't know about any chemotherapy or radiation, but the woman is 87 years old, so I don't think they will very highly recommend those, either. My mother says they are going to let her recover from the surgery she just had, then send her home and start the hospice nursing process.
They haven't told her yet, either, because they're afraid she'll just give up immediately and we'll never get her home. She is on some heavy pain medication right now, too, and doing a lot of moaning and groaning. I am going down to Georgia on Friday and will be spending the weekend there, coming back on Monday night. It's strange to think it could be the last time I see her before she passes away. I hope that isn't the case.
Most people know that she isn't my biological grandmother. But she is the only grandmother I have ever known on that side of the family. My feelings for her are very complicated because of the way she treated my mother when she was growing up. My real grandmother died in 1956, when my Mom was three. My grandfather re-married to Minner (as we call her, her real name is Mildred) five years later. She was a widow with two children who were older, and I guess she didn't really want to raise some other woman's daughter. I'm sure she did her best, but my Mom always felt the difference. Other kids would have their school art projects hung up on the fridge, she never did. When she asked for help in her Home Ec. class, she was told she had to learn it herself. She had to do a lot of chores that her stepbrother never did, meanwhile, he was drinking and flunking out of school--she was an A student. On the day of my Mom's marriage to my Dad, Minner cried and admitted she had never done right by her. How sad that she couldn't reach out to a little girl who was yearning terribly for a mother.
Anyway, she was always good to me when I was growing up. She always made a chocolate cake for me when I visited, always bought me nice gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I won't lie and say it was the same way my real grandmother on my Dad's side made me feel. There just wasn't the same sort of connection. But I can't in good conscience say that no effort was made when it came to me. So, as I said, it's complicated.
It's probably not a good idea to revisit the bad feelings when she is about to die, but it can't really be avoided. I feel the worst for my Grandpa, who how has to go through the death of a second wife. He is blind, so after she is gone, he will probably have to move down to Florida and live with my parents, or perhaps in one of those assisted living communities. He might enjoy that, he has always been active and sociable. Who knows?
It's very sad how quickly life really does go by. Eighty-seven years sounds like a long time, and I'm sure at points it feels like a long time. But it isn't really. When I think of how fast thirty years seems to have gone, and the fact that after my grandparents have gone, it will be my parents who are next in line (theoretically), it does seem quite small and fleeting.
As for me, I kind of hope I die very quickly around age 75. I have considered just killing myself if I reach 80, because, while you might be robbing yourself of something, what are you really robbing from the rest of the world? Not that life isn't valuable, but the progress of society requires death. Is it more selfish to cling to something you know will end soon, or is it more selfish to end things before it gets too troublesome? I don't know.
4 comments:
I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. Remember that woman Dolly who worked with your mom and my mom is good friends with her sister, Miriam? Well, Miriam was also diagnosed with colon cancer and has been given a few months to live. Her cancer has also spread so she is getting radiation in order to shrink the tumors in her back. At this point it is not curative, but palliative. Apparently the tumors are causing back pain, so the radiation is just to make her more comfortable, so maybe that is what they would do it for Minner. Anyway, again, I am sorry.
I always said I wanted to die at age 70, too, but now that I am a parent I am not so sure. Miles will be 40 when I am 70 and I'll conceivably have grandkids I'll want to stick around for, so who knows. As long as you're reasonably healthy, it might still be a good life. 70 is the new 50?
I am sorry to hear the bad news...but I think it is good that you wrote about it to sort through some of your own feelings.
As far as life in your "twilight years"...I think everyone is different. I never had elderly relatives really. I mean, yes, Lee was in her 80s, but she was so independent and capable until the day she died. She did her own grocery shopping, she went on vacations herself, she managed her own diabetes, etc. Then I look at Richard's mother...She's only like 62, and I feel like she has already given up on life. She doesn't do anything to better her life. She's always miserable and lives in fear of things that I consider to be pretty ridiculous. So I think it just depends on your lifestyle. If you can still be self-sufficient in your 80s, life is still good. If you give up at 60, then you have nothing to live for.
Thanks for the kind words. I agree, if I still feel relatively healthy and mobile, if I still want to be social, etc., then I wouldn't do it. Defintely wouldn't do it at 70--it would have to be 80 or beyond!
I guess I will know more after I get down there about what kind of care she will receive. It's all just happened so there are a lot of unanswered questions. It's so weird, though--even though I always knew my grandparents would die, it never really felt like it would actually happen. I've been lucky to even have 4 grandparents around long enough for me to have good memories of them (even if one of them isn't biological). Soon it will just be my Grandpa.
Alicia, I also want to say I am sorry to hear this news. It always feels so trite to say that, but I hope it means something to you to hear it.
As for the old age thing... I agree with Elita. I always thought I wouldn't want to live past some age, but having a child really does change that perspective. I think the elderly are so underappreciated in our society, but they are the living history books! There are stories to be told by everyone, and having your grandkids know you is how I think an old person can serve the world.
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